


When Time Goes by, Hope is Punishment

by SpuffyCarrie



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Complete, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 13:37:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18316307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpuffyCarrie/pseuds/SpuffyCarrie
Summary: Sometimes people leave.An off-canon story beginning in S6, before Hells Bells. Spike leaves when the Scoobies find out about his relationship with the Slayer, thinking he’s doing what’s right, but it leads to a mass exodos and a lonely Buffy left on an obsolete Hellmouth. Buffy has nothing but time to think about what went wrong. Spike returns years later intending to kill her but finds her lonely and isolated. What will he do? Will he take his opportunity to kill a third Slayer? Or will he buckle when he finds out the full story?Some dialogue from S6, As You Were.For the Elysian Fields April Challenge 2019 and based on a challenge by killjoy: https://dark-solace.org/elysian/modules/challenges/challenges.php?chalid=2899I need to make my fellow artists clear so they can get their awards too. My challenge is by the wonderful killjoy who always has the greatest challenges, my amazing banner is designed by Fancyflautist and my beta is the awesome Badwolfjedi, I don’t know what I’d do without her*Rubs hands together and cracks knuckles, Ooh, I do love a challenge*





	When Time Goes by, Hope is Punishment

[](https://imgur.com/pOjpsHj)

**Buffy**

They found out. They all knew, and there was no way I could ever explain why I was with Spike because it was already clear from their reactions that they would never understand. They never understood how he helped me through all those months when I came back, like I thought they would when it finally came out. I couldn’t explain what drew me to him and that made them angrier, they wanted me to give them a reason why and when I didn’t know how, they turned their backs on me.

I died for them, and they quickly forgot that when they judged me, they neglected to remember how they brought me back from heaven, they ripped me away from the only peace I’d ever had. It was terrifying how quickly they altered their view of what they’d previously thought of as excitement while assisting the Slayer, only months after their joy at my return. Dawn’s reaction was the most heart breaking because when she found out how I'd ended things with Spike (Riley and I had punched him when he couldn't defend himself and what I did, encouraged by my ex to dump him) She promised never to forgive me for hurting the vamp she thought of as her big brother, told me she hated me for breaking his heart and burning down his home when he'd carefully cared for her while I was dead.

Dead. As if I needed the reminder.

All I’d felt was death when Spike helped me back to life. It wasn’t as if Dawn had to tell me how badly I’d behaved, my brain kept reminding me and I felt that sick twist in my stomach every time it did.

When he left, she told me he’d hopped in through her bedroom window to say goodbye and headed off into the night in his Desoto. She begged him to stay but he said he'd had enough, that he'd waited long enough for me, did everything for me, and, when he realized he would never be enough for me, he left. She reminded me of how it had almost killed him when I died, how he’d wandered lost for all those months, only staying around for her and because he’d made that promise to me. When he overheard my friends saying they'd leave me because of him, he couldn't cope with being the reason for it. It was too late for me to have a chance to tell him it didn't matter anymore, that I cared for him and their opinion didn't matter, that it was less to do with him and more how they wanted out, I knew that.  Even though I planned to end things, I always thought he'd be there for me, for us, me and Dawn. My baby sister sobbed when she told me he was her best friend, the only person who'd ever tried to be like a father to her and he didn't deserve the way I’d treated him. Her words still ring in my ears and right then, I knew my relationship with my sister would never be the same again. Something died inside me that day, something that had barely sparked back into existence.

As I think of Spike, I can’t help but hear the echo of his voice.

_"No more games, all you've ever done is play me, you keep playing with rules you make up as you like. You know what I am, you've always known, you come to me all the same."_

I did, I know I did, I wanted him, but it's too late for regrets and he's probably better off without me than being used by me to make myself feel alive again, wherever he’s ended up. Sometimes two people only bring each other pain, even if they don't mean to. I knew eventually it would've ended. I'd planned to end it that night, but he left before I had the chance. I didn't want to, but it was for the best. I thought I'd still have everyone else, and boy I was wrong.

It began with silence after he left, nobody tried to speak to me about him, they avoided speaking his name and it became blatantly obvious what they were doing. He was gone and they were happier, or so it seemed. I was miserable but who cared? The Slayer-Vamp relationship was over and whatever betrayal they thought had happened was in the past, they didn't have to deal with it anymore. It suited them all just fine. I carried on but the darkness hovered in my peripheral vision, I wasn't undamaged by my return and nobody seemed to understand or want to speak about it. Spike had understood that I tried to be OK for them, so they didn't worry, but I was miserable when he left, it was like he was my spot of sunshine in a fucked-up life, bestowing energy to lift my utter exhaustion.

Then came the announcement after Xander and Anya’s perfect wedding day. OK, it wasn't totally perfect with the human-to-demon ratio, but most people had a good time and it went as well as it could. Xander announced that he and Anya needed a fresh start in his groom’s speech.  My heart almost stopped, and my legs felt like jello as I stood up as his best friend, moments following the revelation while trying to keep it together as tears of betrayal almost spilled from my eyes. I congratulated the happy couple, toasting them with a shaky hand, struggling not to snap the stem of my champagne glass as I tried to process what had happened. I watched while Willow sobbed in Tara's arms when they too learned the news and tried to understand why Xander hadn't told any of us before. It made it all the worse because we had no clue of the bombshell they were about to drop. The newlyweds moved to Hawaii the next week. It seems Hawaii pay the best wage for carpenters, but we all guessed it was Anya’s obsession with money that helped make that decision easy.

Xander sobbed when he said goodbye, telling me he was a husband who had to protect his wife now Anya was pregnant, and he convinced me they couldn't live this way any longer for the sake of their unborn child. Unspoken words hovered in the air between us, my deception with Spike was his real decider and him withholding the truth was of no consequence to any argument I might have against their decision, because they had every right to make a life for themselves. They weren’t Slayer’s and nobody ever said they had to stay with me forever, in my deluded mind, I just thought I’d always have them at my side, like when we were kids, but we weren’t kids anymore and that realisation hit me where it hurts.

When Xander and Anya left, Giles tried his best to smooth things over between the rest of us, but I only ever saw disgust in his eyes when he looked at me. Once, he would touch my shoulder affectionately, but then he did everything he could to avoid me. We trained together but it was never the same, he only spoke when he had to and I feared I’d lost him some time before all this, he just wasn’t present anymore, you know? I always wondered if he thought I was an abomination because I’d somehow given into my baser nature and looked for warmth in the arms of a cold-blooded killer. They all knew that wasn’t the real Spike anymore, but apparently Spike being there to help them while I was dead wasn't enough to consider him worthy of my affection, however little of that I’d allowed him back then. He was never really a member of the gang, but they trusted him with the care of an adolescent girl because that meant they didn’t have to do it themselves. Spike cared for Dawn while they patrolled, but he wasn't high enough in their estimations to be cared about by a Slayer. Huh, go figure.

A few weeks later, Giles received the news that the Council had reviewed the Sunnydale Hellmouth and it was freezing over. Huh, it’s like the worst joke ever, isn’t it? So many apocalypses had been thwarted that they believed its power had been redirected and they fully expected it to become dormant in the next few months. I'd noticed the vamp population dwindling since I returned and questioned it one day when Giles was a little less testy. I suppose it was to my detriment as Giles informed me a few days later that it had closed, reopening in Cleveland with a vengeance.

The most devastating blow came when he told me it had been decided I would stay in Sunnydale as guardian to an obsolete hole in the ground, just in case it was a ruse and it sprang back to life. I questioned why and was told Faith has been released early from prison for good behaviour. She was being given a second chance. He kissed my forehead and told me he was sorry, that it wasn't a reflection on me, the Council wanted her as they felt she was better suited to the Cleveland gang culture. I often wonder why that mattered to a Slayer, but I suppose she fit in better, with her criminal background, and might look less conspicuous walking the streets at night than a blonde dressed in a fluffy white sweater and the latest seasons, stylish boots.

The final stake through the heart came in the form of Willow and Tara's move to the Berkshire coven in England. Giles arranged it because Willow had fallen to pieces in the months since my return, she became depressed when I finally told her what happened to me and the gravity of what she’d done hit her like a juggernaut. I discussed my fall from heaven with Spike, but when I told Willow we’d had a huge row over the money that had been left by my mom after her death and the fact she and Tara had moved in to help with Dawn but hadn't paid the bills. Dawn told me Spike had paid five hundred dollars into the pot for the bills just before he left and that he'd paid what he could from his poker winnings the whole time I was away, barely keeping things afloat, but he had kept them afloat, not Willow and Tara, which made me lose my temper in a big way. We made up after, but I can’t say I regretted it, not only did my friends never truly understand what it was to be the Slayer, they also didn’t understand what it was like to be an adult who had to make choices to care for a child. I think what made me maddest was the fact I thought Dawn would be safe with them, that they’d all chip in and the one who made me a promise was the one who stuck to it. So, I had no choice but to let them go, I knew how desperately Willow wanted to make amends for her past choices, I knew they'd been in over their heads while trying to go to school and manage the responsibilities of running a house. I suppose I should be grateful that Dawn didn’t starve, because, you know, making pancakes for breakfast was about the only good thing they managed. God, do I sound like a bitter old hag? If I do, it’s because I am, I can’t help it, the whole situation makes me want to shake sense into them. The night before they left for England, I had a tearful conversation on the porch with Willow, she told me she knew her relationship with Tara would end if she didn't take responsibility for her actions and learn to control her magic better, that she was sorry she brought me back from heaven. She promised they'd come back. I knew they wouldn’t, and they didn't. I could never ask them to, they kept in touch and they were happy and last I heard Willow was having a baby, some guy in their coven had agreed to sire a child for them, so, how could I ask more of them, however lonely I was?

I remember how Kendra was when I met her, a lone wolf, trained to complete her calling with no help, I suppose it didn’t help her in the end when Dru got her pointy claws on her, but I often wonder if things would’ve been easier for me if I’d never known any of them. If I’d had a Watcher like Sam Zabuto, I’d be focussed too and even Merrick was more about getting the job done, getting the training right and not going out on dates. Whatever happened between us, I don’t blame Giles, but we had too much of a father - daughter relationship and that was never going to help me when I was alone, he loved me, I know he did, but perhaps that skewed his judgement in the long run? He thought of me as a child who had disappointed him. Regardless, my love for them kept my friends safe while fighting demons and a ton of apocalypses, and that must count for something, however badly it ended.

The months that followed were the loneliest of my life. You don’t realise how bad you can feel when the only one you have to talk to is a moody teen who’s ignoring you.

As if things were not strange enough, the only one who stuck around was Clem. He visited the house a few weeks after everyone left, and it was probably the most awkward conversation I’d ever had. He looked at the floor mainly, rubbing his hand through the folds of skin on the back of his neck like he couldn’t wait to leave, and I swear his face was flushed, even though it was difficult to tell with his skin folds. He invited me for dinner at his home with his wife. I didn’t know he had a wife, Spike never mentioned it, so it was either recent or he’d just never said. It was weird as he always seemed afraid of me and I once thought he was just a strange, ugly but jovial demon I met when Spike brought him to my house for a party just before we broke up. Now, if you’d believe it, Clem and the peaceful demon community who remained in Sunnydale when the Hellmouth closed have become my only friends. I never thought I’d say this, but I've learned a lot from their kindness, and I’ve seen a side to the demon world I never knew existed. Some are still afraid, but they send odd gifts of yucky demon delicacies to the house, I often see small baskets left on the porch. I smile before I throw them in the bin, you know, its kind and all that, but there’s no way I’m eating something that looks like it might still be alive, blech.

So, Dawn left for college last week. Things have been strained between us for years and she never really forgave me for what happened. She blamed me for everything, and I tried so many times to talk it out with her I couldn’t count. Every time it ended with us yelling and getting nowhere, there’s only so much a person can take, and I gave up eventually. I know mom would hate us being at loggerheads like this, but I can’t make Dawn see how much I’ve tried to make things right.

Things got even stranger once Clem started coming around. Loose skinned demons are amazing at human math, go figure? Clem tutored Dawn for a few years and she received a scholarship to Columbia in New York. It was like she found somewhere so far away from me, she'd never have to worry I'd come visit. That hurt. I could fly out, but I'd never make enough at my job at Willy's bar to pay for the flights and I’m not sure she’d want me there. I have some cash set aside if she needs to come home, you know, in an emergency but I have to accept our relationship is broken beyond repair, or at least until she’s willing to let her hate for me go.

Some weird stuff has happened since I was left alone, but the weirdest was when Clem talked Willy into taking me on as barkeep-slash-security. I never knew why, but I heard whispers that Clem was in touch with Spike and threatened the bar owner that he'd get Spike to come back and burn the place down. So, I work there six nights a week now. I chuckled when I first started and heard some demons eyeing me and speaking in low voices as they discussed whether Spike would ever come back for the Slayer who burned his home down. They said he might come for me, but he'd make me his third, scampering with wide eyed apologies when I came to clear their glasses. I doubt Clem is in contact with Spike, he just used any leverage he had to get me a job and I’m eternally grateful for it, the work keeps me from dwelling too much on what might have been.

Sometimes I wish Spike would come back and fight me to the death. When Dawn left I had too much time to reminisce and regret. Now I know Dawn is living her own life, I toss and turn at night, remembering Spike’s touch, how he made me fall apart beneath him, above him and any which way he chose to take me. I imagine what it might be like for him to suddenly arrive with the intention of taking his third in the way he described he'd taken the other Slayers that night outside the Bronze. I'd welcome it, because, you know what? There's no worse life than being a second-class Slayer who spends her days and nights alone. Not even my new-found friends or Clem can help me with that, I'll never replace him, time has helped me realise that. Time is torture, it reminds me everyday of what I lost. I lost the only person who I knew I could rely on. I hope he’ll return one day, but he hasn’t in years and when time goes by, hope is punishment, so I try not to hope, I just live, the one thing he asked of me.

oOoOo

**Spike**

Why, the bloody hell am I back in Sunny-D drinking shit brandy out of a bottle on a bench, when I could be out there hunting the Slayer? The thrill is entirely the reason to hunt and enough years have gone by since I last saw her to forget what was and now think of her as a worthy opponent. I don’t call her by her name any longer, that helps me compartmentalise her, she is a Slayer, I am a vamp, ergo she will meet her death at my hands. I failed once before and fell in love with the chit, and all I need to do now is to wait for her return.

I was bloody devastated when I left all those years ago, so I spent two weeks drunk in shit hole bars in LA and had the chip removed as soon as I was sober enough to drive to Vegas; you only need a bit of cash or a flash of fang to find someone who'll do anything you ask in the city of lights.

After that, I travelled all over the US in a half-fucked Winnebago, then, when I got bored, dumped it on the freeway and flew to London. I've been doing some research on my family tree and I met a crowd of anarchists that pissed me off so much I wanted to eat the nitwits. They have no idea what real anarchy is and have no sense of punk fashion; to be honest the only thing they learned from me was not to fuck with a master vamp. Years passed and I didn't hear anything about her. I expected news of an active Slayer’s activities would be rife on the grapevine but all I heard was that the brunette Slayer, Faith, was drawing attention at the Cleveland Hellmouth with her antics.

One evening as the sun was barely down, I left the old home I shared with some squatters, heading for work as a bouncer at a rock club near London Bridge when I heard a voice, I never thought I'd hear again. Standing behind a thick oak tree I watched Rupert Giles pushing a tiny blonde-haired girl on a swing in Victoria Park, with a smart pink pushchair parked erratically beside him. A large, dopey looking Dalmatian sniffed the ground around them, barely taking note of his master, let alone the predator in their midst as it dug a hole in the play sand and did his business. I smirked as I watched it, as Giles either didn’t notice nor care.

"You know, I knew a girl named Buffy once, little princess," The tiny blonde babe was no older than two and she giggled as he spoke while pushing her slightly higher, "I loved her as much as I love you, my sweet. I didn't protect her as much as I should’ve, and she fell in with a bad man."

Could be me or Angel, who the fuck knew? My stomach clenched as I waited for him to continue as I knew it was me, there was no point in beating around the bush.

"She was everything to me, but when she told me she had been sleeping with the bad man, I left her rather than face having to deal with my feelings. Everybody left her and she’s been on her own since."

He pinched his nose and removed his steamed-up glasses with one hand, pushing her gently in the late summer heat with the other. The child had no idea what he was going on about, but I wanted to challenge him and break his bloody neck. If what he was speaking was the truth, he'd left Buffy.

"Today's her birthday and I really want a drink."

He looked like tears were glinting in his eyes and I had no bleeding sympathy at all,

"And I no longer drink, I promised your mother the day you were born that my love affair with whiskey was over. I miss Buffy, but I no longer know how to make my way back to her. She has no-one and I have you and your mummy now."

I watched as he took the child from her swing and into his arms, hugging her tightly. She began to squawk, and I chuckled as he placed the wriggling child into her buggy, looking like the archetypal stressed out and knackered father as she screamed blue murder. I never thought I'd ever see him with his own family but there he was, with his little one.

So, that's how I found out the Slayer was vulnerable and ripe for the taking, exposed and isolated.

Taking her wouldn’t be like my last Slayer, back in the seventies. Then, I was biding my time, hunting Nikki when Dru was off doing her own thing on the disco scene, enticing roller skaters in their spangly hot pants from the local rink, like they were flies to her black widow. She was as happy as a pig in shit and I was filled with rowdy punk, anarchy and, supposedly, no feeling. I dogged Nikki until she could take no more and eventually gave in. This time it’ll be easy because I know the Slayers habits and exactly where she’ll be, ripe for the taking, and I almost laugh at how effortless it will be to rid myself of the thorn in my side.

I fly back on the red eye and I'm back in LAX at midnight, stealing my dusty Desoto from premium parking, busting the gates and travelling to Sunnydale within a day.

oOoOo

**Buffy**

"Aunty Buffy." Clem’s cute little son, Arthur, takes hold of my hand, pulling me closer to him on the sofa. "Will you tell me the tale of the big bad?"

Clem glances up anxiously and his wife Ophaline, who pours him a whiskey, passing it to him and placing a soothing hand on his shoulder. He knows everything. He sat and listened when I cried and told him how much I missed Spike, how betrayed I felt by my friends and how I couldn't ever see a future for myself. He knew I was chained to a defunct Hellmouth with no way to get back to college because I couldn't afford it. It wasn’t as if he didn’t try, he offered to tutor me so I could return to the Sunnydale Campus, but I’d lost any real inclination by then.

"Buffy doesn't want to talk about that, son." He rises to sit on Arthur’s other side, carefully ruffling his tiny ears.

Arthur pouts and I decide there's no reason not to tell him. At least this sweet little boy wants to hear about my sad life that once meant something. I pick him up and place him on my lap, stroking the thin folds of his neck to lull him to sleep, like I have a thousand times. "Once upon a time there was a big bad named Spike. He was a bad man, and he did bad things. One day he came to Sunnydale and the first person he saw was a girl named Buffy." I know that isn't the story, but for the tiny boy’s sake I tell it that way, I don't want to give him nightmares, he doesn’t know who I am yet but in time he will, and I want him to know the truth about me by then and not fear me.

"That's your name, Aunty Buffy." He grins up at me and I wonder if he'll ever find out I'm lying about Spike, I can't tell a small child of the history between us. I notice Clem and Ophaline are snuggled close, Clem’s wife sitting on his lap as they listen to the story with Clem stroking her pregnant belly. I never thought I'd be so jealous of a demon relationship, but since I've known them, theirs is a life goal. They're so kind and sweet to each other and they deserve every happiness.

"It is, honey. So, Buffy had some friends who asked her to do things she didn't want to, but Spike came along, and he wanted to love her." 

I giggle when Arthur makes smooching noises, gets on his knees and smiles right in my face, patting my cheeks before settling down in the crook of my arm again, his thumb pressed into his mouth. He takes it out swiftly, giving a little shudder as he informs me, "Daddy said he had yellow hair and no loose skin." 

His mother interjects and I bite my lips to keep a laugh back.

"But we need to remember that we should never be nasty about people who are not like us, darling, everyone has feelings, whatever they look like, don't they, Arthur?" Ophaline said gently. 

"Yes mommy. Aunty Buffy has no loose skin, but she is very pretty, and she gives good hugs." The boy looks up so adoringly at me I want to cry.

"Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah, so Spike, he was very good friends with your daddy, and he lived in a crypt." Arthur sucked his thumb and his eyes fluttered closed. "He wasn't a big bad really, he was very loving and misunderstood." I say, lowering my voice.

Ophaline stood up and allowed Clem to pick up his boy, Arthur looked so tiny in his arms.

"You do it every time, Buffy, I think he just likes the sound of your voice." Clem winked and carried his boy off to bed.

"You miss him very much." Ophaline said as she struggled to settle back on the sofa, her belly getting bigger every day, it was more of a statement than a question.

"I-Yes, but it's not worth dwelling on," I blurt, and I feel my face flushing and a sudden urge to cry. "Um, he was the left to my right." I admit. It's always easy with Ophaline, she's very perceptive and non-judgemental.

She nodded, "As is my Clem to me." She moves closer and sits beside me, taking my hand in hers, "You don't need to be alone, Buffy, we could help you find the right human, we know you well and we'd like to see you with your own little babe. You're so good with Arthur, he adores you."

I snort as politely as possible, I would never want to offend her but, I never could've had a baby with Spike anyway, it wasn’t physically possible. That wasn't to say if we were still together now, we couldn't have adopted. I know I might be off my gourd, as Spike used to say, nobody would ever give us a baby, I barely managed to hang onto Dawn with Child Services involved and he didn’t help much with that, but perhaps we'd have found a way, especially now I'm no more than a gatekeeper to an lifeless Hellmouth. 

Ophaline stands with difficulty and places her hand on my shoulder, puffing as she tells me. "You'd be a great mother, Buffy, you care for everybody and Arthur sees that in you."

Tears prickle at my eyes as I mourn for something I'll never have.

"Now, honey, do you want me to make up the guest room? It's late."

I think about it, not that I’d allow her to do it in her condition, I’d do it myself. Going home to the empty house on Revello Drive is not a thought I relish but I must, or I would never go back. The home once filled with laughter and love, echoes with every voice I ever heard, and I only occupy my bedroom nowadays. "No, but thank you, Ophaline, I wouldn't want to intrude, and you need your rest."

She nods, "You're always welcome, Buffy, you know that."

The demon matriarch hugs me as I stand to leave, patting my back in the gentle way my mom used to and I purse my lips, knowing I could so easily fall into her arms and admit the truth, that everything seems so bleak and barren when I’m not spending time with them. I think she knows it anyway and that comforts me.

As I take the steps from the porch, I think of how accepting they are. I know they aren't my real family, but they love me as surely as if they were.

oOoOo

**Spike**

I had to do it, I had to take the Welcome to Sunnydale sign down when I arrived, but it doesn't feel as satisfying as it did in the past.

I opened the front door to her house on Revello Drive and it wasn’t locked. Not only that, I walked right in as if I’d never left. Now I've been waiting in the dark for three hours and the chit hasn't come home. The place is so desolate I'm not sure she lives here anymore. Even as a vamp, I get the feeling that nobody but her has been here for a long time, as I can barely make out her scent, let alone Dawns. The lounge and dining room are covered with dust and even the stairs have the odd cobweb, so the Slayer is probably using her window to come and go. Joyce would turn in her grave to see it, such the proud house owner she once was.

I don’t know why, but the first thing I do is peer in the fridge, hoping for a leftover beer. All I see is a piece of mouldy cheese and some days old leftover pizza. Opening the freezer, I see several packs of pig’s blood, other than that, nothing else. I’m surprised she didn’t throw it out the moment I left, but I’m glad of it and I heat myself up some blood in my mug, the one I used when I visited is still here. I notice it's at the front, dusty, but next to a clean one, recently used. I take mine out and rinse it. I suppose I'm settling in for the long haul, she might not return tonight so I start wandering through the rooms, bored, observing how unused they are. This house once felt like home and now it’s anything but, it lacks the warmth it once did, my bloody squat was cosier.

I finally take to the stairs and peek inside Dawn’s room. It's empty with no sign of her, none of her stuff is in her closet and her bed has a light sprinkling of dust on the coverlet, her boyband posters are dogeared with age and there are a few childish knick-knacks on her dresser. I sit down on her bed. I'm gutted, because if there was one Summers who accepted and trusted me it was Dawn. I can’t help but think about our escapades when the Slayer died, her eating the ice cream she loved while I taught her poker in the dining room, driving me mad with her crap music, close in our grief and a crutch to one another. The bed creaks when I rise, and I notice the photos of the Slayer and her mum are gone too. I close my eyes, trying to remember the smiling trio, but my thoughts dwell on Dawn’s sobs when I came to say goodbye in this very room. I look to her bedroom window and the memory hits me where it hurts as I remember my shite explanation about leaving her and how weak it felt at the time. Truth was, I had to go because I couldn’t face her sister any longer, I’d had enough and was well past playing at being the secret vamp boyfriend, for what good it ever did me.

I place my head in my hands and scrub at my face, reminding myself I'm not here to torture myself. The torch I had for the Slayer is gone and I won't fucking walk through fire for her anymore. Trouble is, now I'm back here I'm not sure it's true. Travelling the world was a distraction, but now I'm back at ground zero I find I have to stand to shrug off the memories that sit on my shoulders like the weight of the word.

Fuck, I'm here for a reason, I remind myself, but it doesn’t seem to cut it as I see the shit I left behind.

When I turn to leave, I see a familiar door and find myself gravitating towards the Slayer’s bedroom. I pause and lean my shoulder against the doorframe for a moment, breathing in the scent of Slayer musk before I walk to her bedside and click on the lamp. It's in the same place as it always was. It's like nothing has changed, her knicker drawer is still where it was when I pinched her last pair of lacy panties, her coverlet is the same, her perfume remains the same, strawberry with a hint of vanilla. My legs almost give way when it hits me like a lost memory I’m reliving once again.

I force myself forward, I can't let her smell overwhelm me, I'm here to kill her and she’ll be dead before I walk out of this house. I head, single minded, to the chit’s knick- knacks. The first thing I see is a jewellery tree with dozens of silver necklaces dangling from it, along with the odd few fashion baubles, I reach out to touch but think better of it. Instead, my hand strays to a vaguely familiar plum coloured jewellery box on her dresser. I can’t help but be fascinated by how much things have changed in the century since I last saw my mother’s velvet jewel case. I remember trying to open the latch as a boy, when it released, my mother’s sparkled with diamonds and I want to remember that always, they were hers and a memory I keep close rather than dwell on some less unsavoury others. I snap open the box and see a Claddagh ring nestled inside and close it with a bang. I want to punch the wall as I see the ring Angel gave her inside. I never gave her anything to remember me by, not like he did, why didn’t I?  I suppose she would never have accepted it from me. I bite my fist and walk away, trying to douse the rush of jealousy I feel. Why didn't I? It wasn’t as if she meant nothing to me then and I could’ve tried, Peaches was long gone.

I pace the room and barely under her bed, I spy something and stalk to grab a hold of it. What's this? Hmm, this is too good, is it the Slayer’s diary? This sweet smelling, pink satin covered little book with a tiny, weeny, fastening on it? It’s almost shameful how easy it is to break the padlock, I literally click my thumb and forefinger together and breaks with a satisfying snap. I wonder if she carries a tiny key somewhere on her person, so she feels like she's protecting every thought she ever had by keeping it safe with a shitty metallic gold lock?

Reading through her earlier entries, in her erratic scrawl, I almost feel sorry for her, she was naiver than I thought. She let the giant forehead stalk her like some serial killer who took a fancy to common or garden hookers, and he was fucking miserable as he did it, fucking morose prick. She even wrote about how he was always so concerned and caring. That's not the wanker’s usual way, how could he even trick her into thinking it was? Vamps have somewhat of a code, we'll lie, cheat and tell a girl we love her just to get her alone so we can have our way, but I've never known a vamp go this far to take a girl, Slayer or no. At least I was honest with Xing and Nikki, they knew who I was and why I was there, I didn't break their hearts to get to them and I never fucked them. I wanted them throbbing with sumptuous life, I wanted them to give me their strength to the last. I knew that was the only way to truly best a Slayer and what Angel was did was wrong, it was beyond playing with his food, he didn't play by the rules.

I think on how I'd feel if she still loved me, if I had a beauty like her on my arm and we knew the truth of each other I would bloody cherish her, make sure she knew how much I wanted her, that's if I didn't want to kill her like I do now. I wonder if she knows Angel got the Shanshu? Does she know he'd been allowed to be truly happy? That's he's human and he never came back for her? The ponce hovered around Buffy like she was some golden prize he could never have, but the grapevine told me he was living with Buffy's schoolmate, Cordelia, playing at happy families with his son. I wonder if the wankers always been led by his dick or if the Slayer’s schoolmate knows she was always his second choice. If I was human, I'd—No, let's not go there, because I’m not and I never will be.

Being in her room surrounded by her odour again is driving me crazy and I try to shut it out. I'm here for a reason and it's not to go sniffing through the Slayer’s knicker drawer this time. I flick a few pages forward in her diary, wanting to know what she thought of me when she met me. "She did not! Are you takin' the piss?" I pronounce out loud, my chest proud like a peacock. "The bint thinks I'm gorgeous!" I throw my head back and cackle, pouring through more as she says something else that catches my eye, "Dear diary, I thought about Spike when I masturbated, he's so cute and hot and the opposite of Angel, I feel so guilty, but it got me off when Angel won't touch me."

Oh, this is classic. Especially when I know I got her off every time I was with her, when none of those other assholes ever did.

I settle back against the pillows to read the rest. Oh, this is going to be good, how on earth did Peaches not find this treasure trove?

oOoOo

**Buffy**

I wander through the streets hardly needing to be prepared. It’s unusual to see a vamp here at all, they're usually just passing through, but I'm always waiting to take them out, it’s still my job, you know? The council pay me for it now, but its barely enough to send Dawn enough for new clothes. I swing my arm listlessly, clutching my stake as I walk up the pathway to my house. I've been thinking of moving away and perhaps selling up and buying a small apartment, but I want Dawn to have somewhere to go if she ever needs it. She called and left a message this morning, she's finished the semester as a straight A student and I'll probably call her back tomorrow to speak my congratulations to her machine. It's not a normal or heathy relationship, but it's better than nothing.

I get home and let myself in through the front door for a change, trudging upstairs to my room. I see a light on for the first time since Dawn left. I must've forgotten to turn it off. I veer left and head for the bathroom, all I want is to have a hot shower and sleep. At least then I can forget how fricking lonely I am for a while.

oOoOo

**Spike**

I hear her come in. She doesn't notice my vamp signature and that worries me. If I can sneak in so easily, then some demon could come in and wait for her too. The shower is on, I hear the whine of the pipes and she washes off.

I've read everything she's written since I left and I want to kill all her friends, her watcher and Clem for not telling me what was happening. I spoke to him on the phone occasionally and he told me about the Hellmouth, saying it was peaceful here, but he never mentioned she was here alone, the git.

The running water stops, and I wait for her to come in the room. I should get up from her bed and start the fight, but what I've read makes me desperate to make amends. She's so lonely and I want to take her away from this desolate life to make it all better. I'm a wanker, I know it, to even think I could make her life better after I ruined it all for her, I must be. The floorboards creak as she crosses the distance between the bathroom and her room. My body is so tense I feel like I might implode, and I find myself clutching my fists so hard my knuckles crack.

The floor creaks one last time as she opens the door and I hold a breath I don't need to.

She walks in with wet hair and a towel wrapped around her body, a sight I never thought I’d see again. She glances at me, but her eyes seem dull and unfocussed.

"Hi Spike, I see you're here again." She smiles and her shoulders droop.

What, the, actual, fuck?

"Arthur was asking about you. You should see how big he's getting. He's such a cutie."

Who the bloody hell is Arthur and why is he asking about me?

"I told him, you were misunderstood, and he fell asleep. Clem put him to bed."

I swallow deeply and try to clear my throat, wondering what the hell is going on. "Buffy." I murmur. Feeling her name trip over my tongue is strange, I swore I’d never speak it again, but here I am, dropping my guard with her as I always did.

"I know you're not here, you bonehead, but you have an almost physical presence tonight, I must either be really tired, or really horny."

She gives a smirk worthy of me as she heads for her dresser, dropping her towel and lifting her arms above her head to drop a white cotton kami over her head while she rifles through her drawer for a pair of knickers, her pert bum waving in my direction as she bends over. I see a flash of her pussy and freeze as I see her perfect body for the first time in three years, my mind going into overdrive. Fucking hell, she's flawless, just like she always was, everything I ever wanted. My fingers twitch as they remember every part of her silky skin, how her tanned and sweaty skin shone as I fucked her, how she trembled as she came, my brain recalls her hand wrapped around my cock, inciting the feeling of my prick sheathed in her heat. Now I see her again, I want her more than anything again, but her first, I want her to realise I'm here and throw her arms around my neck with sodding joy. "I'm right here, pet." I speak louder. I watch as she throws her head back with a cackle and then reaches into her drawer for some sweat pants. Holding them up and shaking out the wrinkles before she places one foot in a leg.  I get up carefully so as not to spook her. "Buffy." I speak out loud again, my hand like a whisper over her skin.

"They left me, you know." She says as she pulls the pants to her hips and she begins to secure the tie at her waist.

I reach for her and clasp my fingers with hers on the waistband. "You still love me, pet, your diary tells me so."

"It's my mind." She gasps at my touch, God, it’s been so long since I heard that sound. I know what she means, I have a journal in my duster pocket that is my mind, it contains every thought I’ve had for a hundred years and I want her to read it, to know me for what and who I am.

"They left me because I loved you." She mutters, her hands leaving mine and brushing back her damp hair, picking up her brush from her vanity and slashing it through her locks vigorously.

"I'm really here. Please look at me." I've dealt with the madness, the loneliness and the need with Dru, so I understand this behaviour. Cautiously I place a hand on her shoulder. "But I'm here now. If I knew, Buffy, if I-"

"Dawn tried to tell me how wrong I was to let you go, she never forgave me for it. She left me too, left for college. She's more intelligent than any of us realised, when she applied herself." She hoots, placing her brush back on her dresser.

I sigh. I’m not surprised. "The platelet was always clever, just preferred to act like an airhead at times, she dumbed herself down to get in with the popular crowd. Her grades improved when I helped her with her homework that year you were gone."

This doesn’t fit with her illusion, I guess, as she looks me right in the eye. I see a spark, "I wanted her to go, this place had nothing left for her. When you went, she couldn't recover, I wasn’t enough for her. All she could see was regret and loss." 

I wait for her to say more.

"Did you come back to kill me?" She turns and looks me dead in the eyes for the first time. She isn't playing now, her eyes are filled with fire and I know she's been waiting for this, thinking I'm here to send her back to the heaven she fell from. She knows it's me.

I run my hand through my hair. Yes, I fucking wanted my revenge. I wanted to kill her for breaking whatever was left in the dank space where once was a heart. It was never about her being a Slayer, it was because I knew I really loved someone for the first time in my life, rather than clinging to Dru because she was my sire, it was because she almost killed me when she rejected me and for the first time I wanted to be rid of this life. Being in her glorious presence again makes me wonder why I even thought I wanted her dead and I don’t know what to say. For the first time in my life I can’t speak, my throat feels like there’s a lump of black coal wedged inside that once was my heart.

"I know you did, you know, before, but I also know you wouldn't take me without a real fight, you told me that." She lets out the slightest giggle and walks to sit on her bed, placing her head in her hands. Lifting her head with tears in her eyes, she admits, barely holding back a sob, "I don't want to fight anymore, there's no reason to, so if that's what you’ve come for you've been mistaken. Kill me, or don't kill me, it's no skin off my nose, in fact, I'd welcome it because I can't be alone anymore. I've missed you for so long I'm glad you'll be the one to end it."

Fuck. I won't do this, I can’t do it, not now. I pace the room, feeling her eyes on me. The swish of my coat around my ankles is the only sound apart from a brief hitch in her breath.

"You never believed I could change, Buffy, I never thought you would, I can see why a girl would ditch a fella because of that." I can barely look her in the eyes as I say it, I don’t want to see rejection again, I don’t think I can take it again.

She looks to me with tears dropping into her lap. "I never thought I would change either, but I have. I'm not the girl I was when you left, I'm a lonely, lost soul who people pity and I hate that, so don’t join them in that, I don’t need your sympathy. You’d changed before you left, I knew it, Spike."

I know it's my fault, I know the others wanted me to leave, but when I did, they left her too and I wish I'd fought for her. She didn't deserve this, and I want to rip their bloody throats out for it. "I don't pity you, princess, I still love you. I've always loved you, I just—look, kitten, it wasn't our time, you were fucked up and I thought it was better to leave you with your mates to recover. Now, I see that was the biggest mistake of my life." I drop to my knees before her and try to take hold of her hands.

She's sobbing and clawing at her hair, "D-dawn hates me for it, Spike. The only family I had left barely acknowledged me for three years. I tried with Dawn and she never forgave me for it. If it wasn't for Clem—" 

I manage to take hold of the small hands that beat me stupid many times over the years. "Clem." I continue, my throat constricting and making an odd noise as I tried to clear it. Buffy barely cried and when she did it always affected me.

"He got married, Spike. He has the most gorgeous family and they saved me. If he hadn't got to know me, I don't know where I'd be. If you're back to get beat down, then I'm sorry to say you've had a wasted journey because they’re all I have. "

I sit back on my haunches and admit the truth. "I always adored you because you were strong and it was hot when you kicked the shit out of me, but you must've been misled by that, it became old quickly. I loved you because you were you, pet. Why else would I want to be with you? You always had a spark, you're beautiful, strong and you challenged me, but when you were tender, fuck, when you revealed yourself in those tiny shard-like facets, you made me want you more than ever. It was only then that I felt our hearts connected, and it was that I always strove for, what I needed and wanted. I wanted to feel you fill me and remind me of the soul I once bore, because, when I was with you, I felt whole, like we were two pieces of a puzzle that fit and were destined."

Her magnificent green eyes sparkle like a constellation and tears stream down her cheeks, dripping onto our conjoined hands. 

"I felt the same, I just couldn't say it, you used your words like rockets, and I fought any feelings I had for you every step of the way. When we were alone sometimes, when we'd been rough, you were so gentle, so tender, Spike, you'd make love to me when I was sore and I knew I didn't deserve care, because of the way I treated you. Those are the times I remember, not the times I made you fuck me so hard I almost bled, those are the times I think of when I can't sleep at night."

Her thumb brushes my brow and I feel my lashes flutter under her touch. Her hands are so soft.  I dip my head against her stomach, curling my arms around her. "I'm here now, love. We can't make up for what was, we can only be what is, and I've never stopped loving you." 

She plants a soft kiss on my head. "Me too."

For the first time, she lets me hold her and, even though there's a long way to go, I know she's missed me as I've missed her, and I feel we have a future together.

oOoOo 

**Buffy**

As I lay in his arms, I think back to the last time we lay like this on the tomb in his crypt. I always hated sleeping like that. He always assumed I didn't mind it and I never said I did, but that was how our relationship was, we didn't talk. Talking wasn't my thing, I barely told my mom my thoughts when she was alive, Willow sometimes, but mostly I locked me inside, I carried out my calling and left me locked in my heart. Spike was the only one who chipped away the icy layer until he wormed his way inside.

We make small talk as we rest against the pillows and Spike tells me about his travels. I watch as his lashes fluttered closed, he’s exhausted, and for whatever reason he'd come here initially, he looks like he hadn't slept in weeks.

As he grumbles in his sleep, I smile, relishing his closeness and reaching out to brush his furrowed brow with the tips of my fingers. We're tangled in the low light of the lamp my mom bought for me when we first moved into this house, his leg thrown over mine as he sleeps, his hand clutching a lock of my hair he was thumbing before he fell asleep.

I've been awake for hours, revelling in the fact he's here at all. "I've been thinking about you a lot," I utter, "I've had a lot of time to remember how much I hurt you. I know I hurt you so badly you left me. " I gulp, blinking back tears. "I hurt you, Spike and didn't mean to." I move my hand to finger his ear and then the soft curls at the nape of his neck. "I always thought you'd be here for me and I fucked up," tears well in my eyes and my heart races with anxiety, "I always thought, whatever I did, or however far I pushed you, that you'd take it and I'd never lose you." I blink and the tears flood over onto my cheeks. "I'm sorry I was so selfish, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I knew how much you tried, Spike, I'm sorry." I scrub at my eyes with my free hand, and he shifts slightly as I move my other arm, beginning to feel the numbness of being in the same position for too long. "I watched the moon every night when I patrolled, wondering if you saw it too wherever you were. I thought about my friends too but never as much as you, I always wondered if you thought about me. Spike, they left me for much less than you did. They wanted to get away from me, they took the easy way out, and I felt betrayed. I couldn't be what they thought I was when I came back, not the perfect Slayer, I was never a perfect Slayer, but the job got done. I guess you left because you thought they were enough to make me myself again, but they weren't and I felt so lost without you, everything fell to pieces when you left." A huge sob hitches my chest and I cover my eyes with the back of my hand. I feel his arm snake around my belly as he moves, but he still seems to be asleep. "So, I talked to you, I told you every day how much I missed you, until you just seemed like you'd never left. I knew it wasn't right, you know, it wasn't normal to speak like that to someone who wasn't there, but it helped pass the time."

"I saw it, you didn’t believe I was standing in your room." He stretches, squishing his eyes tightly as he wakes. I notice his shirt shifting up over his stomach, revealing his lower abs. I feel heat flush my face, it's been so long since I've seen any of him and desire pools in my lower belly. Now I know he's been listening, I close my eyes, waiting for the backlash but it doesn't happen. His voice is soft when he speaks and he takes my hand in his, our fingers entwining. He stares at them, his thumb brushing my knuckles before he leans forward to kiss them before looking up at me. Were his eyes always so blue? So perfect? I feel like I could lose myself in them.

"You weren't the only selfish one, Buffy, I wanted you too. You made me feel something I hadn't felt in a hundred years that first time I saw you. The rush of something new. Dru, well, let's say I followed her because she was my sire, she gave me the chance to live forever. I know she never loved me, not really, and it took decades to realise it. She needed me and I needed to be needed."

My throat goes dry and I realise what he's saying. I wonder if he thinks I want him because I need him? 

He places his hand on mine as I fidget with my fingers, he knows me well, I forgot that. I've forgotten what it's like to have him truly touch me with understanding. I used to shove him away when he tried to get close, and now I feel regret, he doesn't know what it means to me for him to be here. I need him, but not like Dru did, or like I ever needed any other man. I’ve had too much time to contemplate what I needed and when I realised it was Spike it was too late. I knew he was the love of my life then, but how can I tell him I still feel that now? 

"Now it's different." He continues, overlooking the fact I haven't replied. "You've proved you can survive with nobody, Buffy, you don't need me, you've never needed me, you've never needed anyone because you’re the Slayer and the whole world could fall at your feet and you’d still get up and carry on. I want you for every day of the rest of my life, always have."

I look up and see his eyes sparkle, and his look of awe it reminds me of who I am, his eyes were always so expressive, and they remind me of how he never failed to wear his heart on his sleeve. I trail my fingers across his cheekbones, God, reminded of eyes so azure blue my heart is racing. His heated look reminds me of how he made my body sing. His fingertips reach out to trace my lips.

“I love you.” I blurt, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” My heart almost stops as he moves to his knees and takes my face between his palms.

“I never thought I’d live to hear you say it, sweetheart, but never doubt me, always be sure that I feel the same way. I love you, Buffy Summers, always have.”


End file.
